Closure?

[admin]

I thought I would get some closure now that my case is over but I don't have any. I'm even more angry now. Angry that the only entity affected is an insurance company. How has this affected the doctor? Has anyone told him that he did wrong? Has anyone even slapped his wrist or told him to get some training? I watch my son and I see how his arm struggles, how he has a permanent imprint on his physical body and on his complete being. What permanent imprint is left on the doctor? What does the doctor think about when he goes to sleep at night? Definitely not my son. My son is just one of many. If he cared at all, he would stop practicing.

Angry? You bet I'm angry. Because all the pain and suffering that we have gone through has been reduced to a lump sum. A small lump sum that someone thinks is the right number to make it better. I wonder if I could injure this doctor and then give him this small lump sum to make it better. Would that be ok?

And I sit here wondering. WHAT WOULD make this feel better? WHAT COULD make this feel better? And that's when the sobbing begins. Because there's nothing I can do to change what has already happened. And nothing that happened by getting this small sum of money has prevented it from happening to another child.

Does this ever feel better?

[Tessie258]

Just want to let you know I understand your feelings....I have no answers...Maybe time is the greatest healer of all. I've tried to look forward and not back and it helps a little.
What you've written is very deep....thanks for sharing your feelings.
T.

[marymom]

acceptance can be a difficult task
There is much injustice in the world, it is a hard thing to accept sometimes, and knowing WHEN we SHOULD do something and when we are suppose to just accept is even harder.
It sounds like the hardest part for you is over if you have done all you can do in re: to that particular doctor but only you can know that.After you know youve done all that you believe is in your path to do you only have to bide your time untill acceptance occurs,
sounds simple
simple things can be the hardest to accomplish.
love and prayers

[pattisy]

Wow. Your post is powerful-the feelings flow through the words. I have not yet reached your stage in regards to our lawsuit. Our lawyer has yet to file. Sitting where I am today, I try to remind myself that though what happened to Peyton was unjust and unfair, God has an ultimate plan for all of us: maybe this injury will help Peyton accomplish things never thought imaginable. But that is today. When this whole lawsuit is over, I very well may be exactly where you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your son, and your family.
Patti

[stateilx3]

I am not sure if Closure is ever possible. Maybe a little bit but not complete. We have not settled our lawsuit yet, but I know that I will never, ever forgive the Dr. that did this horrible thing to my child. I will never be able to think about it without getting a lump in my throat. I think that I have come a long way in the four years, but I still know that my son was injured by a careless set of Doctor's that refused to listen to me. Although it is possible to overlook it and move on, closure is not a word I would use. Maybe I am crazy, but I know that this is something that I can overlook. No amount of money will ever make my son's arm "WHOLE" again. It will make his life comfortable and it will get the future medical bills paid, but he will never be 100%. Bitter, Maybe, but just my opinion.

[CW1992]

I hope closure does happen for you with time. I do believe it happens because I feel closure now. It's been alittle over a year since our settlement on a case that lasted over three years and I don't think about the doctor anymore. He is not a part of our lives. I thought alot about the doctor during the lawsuit but not now - it is over. I was sort of numb for almost a year after settling. I didn't feel anger but it took a while to process that the case was over and now life continues on..... The money would be there later but life really hadn't changed.

I do not think that the doctor thinks about my child - - but I do think that he is bound to second guess himself when he goes to deliver a baby. The lawsuit had to have made him more cautious. He was forced to think about us during the depostion and the whole process. He didn't remember our names at first - I think he knows who we are now. The lawyers asked him questions that he should have known the answer to but didn't. He was questioned as to why he did what he did when he did it. All of these things were bound to have an impact - and also make him question himself. Maybe this doctor still does not see where he did anything wrong. If he does see what he did though - - I think it must be hell for him to live with that. Hell for him to realize that his lack of knowledge has changed a life. If I were the doctor and I realized what I had done - it would be extrememly hard for me to ever forgive myself. I would have to forgive myself for my family though. The doctor's life continues on just like our lives do. The fact is that we all have to forgive and accept - - - - or choose to live in pain.

Yes my child's life is different than "I" thought it would be. But, it's not my life it is her life - and she started her life without expectations of how she was supposed to be - - just like we all did. I doubt if SHE thinks about what the doctor who delivered her is doing right now or if he is sorry. She is living the life she was given and she is doing just fine.

NOBODY is 100% - I know for sure I'm not 100% anything. I have never met anyone who is. That statement bothers me......... to me it implies that my child is less because her arms aren't identical. Some people just hide their problems easier than others - but we all have them.

I thought the same thoughts about the settlement amount as the poster guest. I didn't know how to put a dollar value on my child's arm. The lawyer asked us what we'd be willing to settle for and - - how do you answer that one??? Nothing will ever change what happened the day she was born. When do you quit asking for more or when do you think the amount will be enough for all of the possible things that might happen in the future. What value would the doctor put on his own arm?? Money won't take back the nerve damage that is done. I guess in order to find closure you have to remind yourself why you started the lawsuit in the first place. Most likely it was to try and financially provide for your child's future. I know that is why we started our case - so that if my child had difficulties due to her arm limitations when she was older - the money could help her live more comfortably. Well the settlement money will be there exactly like we hoped it would and there is closure in that. A sort of relief. If we would have lost our case I think that the closure would be that we tried. Win or lose though - life goes on and you have to forgive and accept.
These are just some of my thoughts after reading posts about this topic,
Christy

[Elisa]

When I read your post I related so much that I almost thought I wrote it myself. I KNOW that settling our case will not bring closure. I am certain of that. I know it will close one stressful chapter, but the book will continue to be written. This is a life long injury and journey, and as for a mother's heart (at least mine), complete healing and closure just isn't a realistic expectation for me. I guess that is the hardest part. I too, just want it all to go away. I do believe we learn to move on, and that we must go forward with our lives, and continue to focus on the love and joy that belongs to us and our children. We HAVE to find a way to be STRONG and POSITIVE for our children, and some of us will have to find a way to accept that the hurt and deep pain will always be a part of our experience. Some people may have a hard time relating to this, but for me, I have come to accept that there will always be some degree of hurt, loss, pain, and anger that comes and goes. And when I really think about, I wouldn't want it to be any other way, because it is that discomfort in my soul that speaks to me so loudy, and tells me that we HAVE to do something about all of this. That we can't just completely ever feel at peace, because I suspect when we do, we will accept and settle for these circumstances, which would be a huge mistake!

You look at history,and the people who made the greatest changes.These people had a tremendous amount of passion, compassion, sense of injustice, deep emotional experiences related to their experience or view of the world, etc. I don't believe that these people ever accepted the thing that brought them pain and discomfort, and I don't think they ever reached a sense of closure until they were heard. They fought it. So perhaps someday, you will find a way to embrace that discomfort and use it as a way to motivate you and inspire you to do all that you can to help prevent other children from being injured.

I think everyone needs to find their own way of dealing with it, and for some, this is a path that they just don't feel inspired to travel, which is their choice. For me, I know that I will only experience a true level of comfort when I know other children aren't being hurt out there. If all of us used our lack of closure and pain to TRULY unite and be heard, I think we would be surprised at how much better we could embrace this injury. Getting articles in newspapers, getting on t.v. shows, finding a well known advocate dedicated to this cause, having organized writing campaigns, organizing and getting funding for research to really prove the cause of this injury, talking with head professors at OB/GYN schools, fighting to increase training requirements and opportunities for doctors and midwives, finding ways to actively work together and really be heard. Awareness week is AWESOME, but I feel it is only the beginning. I feel that there are so many of us who would do more if we just knew how. The whole fight just seems soooo big, but I do believe it is possible. I think involvement and change is what really empowers people and helps them find resolution. When I will find complete peace in my heart and true closure is when I know other children won't needlessly be hurt, so from what I can gather, I doubt I will be experiencing it any time soon (probably not even in my lifetime). But for me, I really do need to know that I made a real difference in this battle.

Sorry about rambling way too much. Emotions seem to bring out too many words in me. I think as time goes by you will find more peace, and perhaps you may see that finding true joy in life can be accomplished even when chapters aren't closed. I also think you will find a way to embrace those emotions and use them to your advantage. Good luck and take care!

[phaliscak]

Closure? Yes, sometimes, until I see his deformed shoulder and crooked arm then I am back to hate, but it always seems to bother me more than it bothers him.
God knows he has had to deal with a lot and so manytimes I have looked to him for my strength. Sometimes I look at him and wish for his innocents and willingness to accept and move on. So closure? yes, sometimes.

Patty

[kathy]

Christy - what a fabulous attitude. I am not an OBPI but an adult who suffered a traumatic BPI 2 years ago. I am in the process of a settlement now because my injury was complicated by a medical misdiagnosis. I want closure also, but my closure will also be in terms of money - but my injury has never been about money. I want my arm back the way I knew it. I was having a real hard time the other night, crying and all. My sweet husband took a hold of my arm and said,
'honey, don't you know, who you are is not your arm. There is so much more to you than that. Yes you need help with some things, but look at what you help me with." I too hope that what comes out of my injury is that no one else has to go through this. I hope the doctor listens next time (to the patient) and that she takes one more look at the x-ray before deciding what is wrong. I hope my injury made her a better doctor.

Kathy7

[claudia]

One thing that I think all parents of children who have any kind of disability have to do is grieve. The truth is we all had some kind of predisposed notion of what we expected our children to be. Whether they were over the top: president, top athlete, cancer curer, or more mundane: doctor, lawyer, teacher, take over the family business, we had these dreams for our kids. And the truth is, you have to grieve for the child you DON'T have. That doesn't mean you don't love the one you DO have. This grieving is our business, not theirs. I think that this grieving takes place in stages, just as grieving for a deceased loved one does. Right after a loved one dies, you can't bear to hear his or her favorite music, but over time, that same music gives you comfort. And then there are the times that your grief surprizes you. For me, it was when my niece told me that she has kept this little box she made out of wood with my dad. He was a great guy and and excellent carpenter and the oldest of the grandkids remember him. She worked with him in his workroom when she was maybe 5 and built it and sanded it and stained it. She keeps her jewelry in it! She is 22!!! I cried when she told me. My dad died 10 years ago. Surprize!!!!
So, as for closure. I don't think there is any true closure. Acceptance. I think this is what you should aim toward. Not accepting your child, because you do. But accepting FOR YOURSELF that this is what it is. And, I think, that there will be times when it will be easier, and times when it will be harder. And the key is to focus on the positive. I tell my kids to put a smile on and they will be happy. And they roll their eyes. But they do it. And it works.
So when things seem bleak, focus on what you child has that you dreamed of.
Juliana has an incredible sense of humor and she is bright and determined and easy to be with. I want her to be whatever she wants to be. Her two older sisters want to be vets-they love animals. Her older brother wants to be an astronaut or a medical researcher (he says it, not me!). She will tell me she wants to be whatever they are!!
As for the money...it is never about the money. For any of us. Grieve for this too. Remember that the doc is not thinking about you. So stop thinking about him. Don't give him that power.
Some days I forget about Juliana's arm. She is running around, being silly, playing with her sibs. Someone told me once that eventually they become kids with arms that don't work so well instead of non-working arms attached to our kids.
I hope it helps.
claudia