How do you cope with the frustration?

[diargasm]

I'm three years post accident and I am by no means ungrateful for the success of my surgeries. I have quite a functional arm and can achieve many of the things I enjoyed doing before my accident. However, like tonight, I find myself burdened with remorse and frustration as to how things in my life has developed.

I guess you can say that I am frustrated because a lot of the confidence I had before my accident has been shattered. I dislike having to explain the state of my arm to every new person I meet; I dislike the feeling of knowing that I can not stand up for myself whenever somebody disrespects me; and I hate the awkward glares I receive whenever notices my arm.

This isn't a cry for help or anything. I just would really like to know how those of you with tbpi get through with this on a daily basis.

[Anthony]

Hello. I am 3 years post-accident too. I also have lost all of the confidence I had pre-accident. The best way I have found to hide the bad arm is to wear hooded sweatshirts with hand pockets on the front. Since it's getting cold now, it makes wearing them easier than during summer months having to wear a sling. I hate having to explain also. If you want to write me, try MySpace.com. My profile is under *ANTHONY M*
Hope to hear from you.
*Anthony*

[Jack1110]

G'Day Andre,

It's me Jamie from Down Under! I hope you remember me.

I had my accident November '03 and have had 2 Surgeries since and I still have a basically completely flail arm!

I think the more you look for limitations in the workplace, the more you'll find. I know you're young but i also know from the e-mails and posts you and I have shared that you are incredibly intelligent and have an awesome outlook to life.

My pain is still waking me nightly and I have had some major personal life changes, but recently taken on a 'New' career in finance and investment consulting where I go to peoples homes daily ( complete srangers )
so with each new meeting I introduce myself and my partner Kym and "Jack" {my ltbpi} I find if I use the term tore the nerves out of my spine, most people leave it at that and dont probe any further.
This keeps my introduction brief and gets the focus off my arm, {I still wear a sling all the time}

Andre, I believe our Injury is not an inconvenience unless we allow it to be and when people ask about out arm the more confidently we explain it and move on the less of an issue it is to other people.

Buddy, Keep your chin up and persue what ever jobs you want, dont even mention your arm unless it is absolutley relevant. My new bosses never knew about my tbpi until after I had the job as it was irrelevant to my peformance and my mental abilities.

The fact that you are still a presance on these boards is evidence of your persoal commitment to making the most of your new life. Dont ever be anybody but you.

Cheers
Jamie, Jack

[Pier Jumper]

I agree that having to explain yourself gets old after a while. I started coming up with elaborate stories like I was a professional bull rider, got attacked by a great white while water skiing or was attacked by a Mountain Lion while camping in my backyard. I was told early on that people would ask, and you would have to have fun with it; otherwise, it would drive you nuts. Some stories would get so elaborate that at parties my friends would always beg for me to tell someone how it happened. I always added my friends into the story plots. That was early on. I am now 14 years post injury and don't care. I am less self-concsious of it now and could care less what people think. Good luck - I assure you that everyting comes easier over time.

-Rich

[herff94]

I have a good one.....I have an implant in my arm to fill it out and a month ago, I was brave enough to wear sleevless shirt, a man ran up to me and asked me if I had a bee sting!! Now, its been 19 years since my accident. I was feeling a bit better about my appearance, enough to wear sleeveless and I got that!!! I just smiled and said "I got in an accident" and that's it. I find less is best. I hate the same story over and over and I've been telling it for 19 years!!! Enough is enough!!! When someone sees a bald person do they ask if they have cancer? I mean really, how rude. Its one thing to get to know me first than ask but strangers come up to me and ask. I know how you feel. No doubt we stand out in the crowd. I only get questions when people can "see" arm otherwise no one notices. You'll learn to hold it in ways that seem normal. I put my hands in my pockets, fold my arms or hold my hands in front of me. I carry things in my hand, too. Good luck. My dad said once when I was very young "next time someone says, what happened to our arm?" I should say "what happened to your face?" Isn't that terrible??? I would never do that!!!
Kath in Chicago
See Dr Johnson at Mayo for an implant to fill it out.....I couldn't live w/out it. My clothes fit me and nothing falls to the side.

[Pier Jumper]

You know what else is funny as long as we are in the topic of people noticing the arm. I always wear short sleeves shirts. I was going to a football game with some friends. We had some wrist bands so we could get into a private tailgate party. I was in the back seat and asked the guy next to me who i have known for about 2 years if he could help me put on the wrist band. I explained to him that I had a bunk arm and could not put on the wrist band. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked what was wrong with my arm and said that he never noticed. I get so used to seeing this atrophied arm that it jumps out at me; whereas, most people hardly even notice it. I think every job that i have ever had, people do not notice it until I have worked there for 2 months. It is kind of funny to watch their faces as they suddenly realize that my arm does not work. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

-rich

[darkfire]

I have been tbpi for 15 years now - (spilled a m'bike at 28) and quite frankly, find that 'normal' people, although I keep injured arm in pocket, think that I suffer 'cos I sin when they see me struggling with coins, etc. That is so medieval! I have no answer for the frustration, but am on morphine now - makes me feel more normal. Having said that - 'script has run out and I am in pain until I see the doctor again. That is a bugger. (Excuse invective), as I then have no desire to do anything.
Frustration - as Lao Tzu says - be as the flowing stream, keep fluid. Or Buddha: - 'We are in a physical world and as such are subject to its laws.' i.e. a lamp post is solid.
Much love to you all.
darkfire.

[Fredrick]

I fractured my neck(C5 to T1) back on 20 July 05 from a car accident, drinking and driving. I hurt nobody but myself. Since then I have had two major surgeries, one being a nerve transplant. I have no use of my right arm, only shoulder, hand/wrist, and finger movement. Atrophy has set in, and I have yet to expose my arm sleeveless.
Everybody I have encountered has been kind, courteous, and helpful towards me. Yes, telling the same story is a bore and nuisance. I have not made up any stories about my injury, but in time when I learn to cope better with my life changing injury I might poke fun. At this time (post 1.5) I am learning to live a new sober life with my injury. I led a very active life style with hobbies such as triathlons competitions, mountain biking, prior to my accident. This injury is very frustrating, with all facets of my life. How are you coping? Has anybody learned ways to continue past hobbies? What about relationships and sex? What about over use of left arm, any problems incurred? Fred

[EllenB]

Hey Fredrick. Re enjoying an active live & previous hobbies post injury, one person you might want to look up is Fernando Jaimes. He lives in Mexico but spends a good amount of time in the U.S. on business & pleasure. He is about the most active bpi person I can think of: waterskiing, scuba diving, snowboarding, mountain biking, you name it. He also has designed a wonderful sling made of neoprene (sp?) (the stuff scuba suits are made of) that provides excellent support without being restrictive. My son (age 19) always wears his when he snow skiis.

Sometimes you have to get pretty creative but I get the sense most everybody figures out a way to do what they love.

Take care,

Ellen

[Dan]

Subject: Re: How do you cope with the frustration?

Fred,

I don't post a lot, but your post is one I wanted to reply to. The main reason is because you said you had a very active lifestyle, also because I wanted to comment to the overall issue of showing or not showing the arm.

First to give a little background. I too am 38, the difference is I had my accident 20 years ago, total paralysis to the left arm, had nerve surgery and now have use of bicep, that is all. I was going to play college golf and was a competitive water ski racer, the later is how I hurt the arm.

First to the overall comments about showing the arm, I don't even think about it and never have, since I don't worry about it, 99% of the people I come in contact with don't notice or don't care. I wear clothes that are appropriate for the setting, if at the beach or lake, no shirt, golfing, short sleeves, work, business suit. As to the few people who make comments, most are sincere in their questions and that doesn't bother me, I have had less than I can count on one hand in 20 years who were mean about it and a few strategic comments put them in their place. I know everyone is different, but those are my experiences with that subject.

As to the activities, my basic comment is, what activity do you want to do and with a little thought and ingenuity, we can do it. Just to give you some encouragement, here is a list of the sports I do or have done with one arm:
- Started playing golf less than a month after my accident and have been as low as a 14 handicap, currently am an 18 and play about once a month. I just put arm in pocket and my advice is to play what ever direction is comfortable, I play forehand(right arm, righthanded clubs) I play with a guy who has one arm, is 66 yrs old and is a 7 handicap
- Started snow skiing within 6 months of my accident and can ski just about any run on any mountain. I just wrap my arm up with a sling and put ski clothes on over the top. I used an old arm sling and a kidney belt since the start, but just got one of the slings Fernando created and that should work even better.
- Started water skiing again before one year, this is my sport and the one I excel at. I don't race anymore, but still perform at the highest level when skiing. I made a custom harness to go around my butt and put arm under jacket
- Started road biking in college and road with one of the top club teams in San Diego. Designed bike so all shifting and braking could be done with one arm. Arm in sling.
- One of the sports you mentioned, Triathlons, I participated in a couple shorter ones. Only limitation for me was my lack of desire to run much more than a few miles. Obviously the biking was easy, the swimming is not a big deal either, so if I was much of a runner, I would have done more. Arm in sling for running and biking, nothing for swim.
- Surfed a few times, not much of a passion for doing it, but still possible. Nothing for arm
- Did lots of rollerbladding, similar to snow skiing. Arm in Sling.
- Tennis, lot in college when I had time and friends to play with, not much since.
- Those are the bigger ones, but I can play a solid game of pool, played beach volleyball many times, pick up games of basketball, and like I said earlier, if you want to do it, it can be done.

I know others have problems with over use, but that has not been an issue for me, hopefully it won't in the future.

As far as other areas of my life, I am a business professional and my arm is not a factor. As far as sex, again, not much of an issue, have one child and another on the way, and know lots of others on these boards that have more kids than I do. To the issue of dating, if that is a concern more than sex, I have had only one person who said it was an issue for her and all I can say is that she was looking for Mr perfect in all areas of life and that is not me, so best to end it soon.

I know this is a bit long, like I said I don't post much, but when I do, it is because I feel strongly about the subject and when I read someone has had an active lifestyle before, I want to do everything I can to encourage them to get back out there and keep enjoying the things in life that make you excited to be alive.

If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know

Regards,
Dan


Message was edited by: Dan