United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

To all of you too

WOW

i truly believe it takes a special person to deal with this injury. and an even more special person to live with this injury. I think we are all doing great. Just the fact that we post on these boards should tell us all that we are doing a great job.

Marlyn

I've thought about this all day! I forgot one thing:

I believe most men in general just don't get the "vent" thing. We do it because it makes us feel better, but it makes them feel terrible! If a man loves you, you feeling bad makes them feel terrible, inadequate and powerless. You just want to vent and share your emotions, but all they tend to hear is how much they've failed you because you hurt so much. The more centered I got about the whole injury, miraculously the more my husband's gotten involved and become an equal partner with Joshua's care and treatment. Now that he feels safe that we both won't just topple off an emotional cliff about it all, everything has really improved!

I pray that with some time, you and your husband will also find a comfortable middle ground that helps you feel better. My heart goes out to you... the first year is really, really hard

Kate

All of your posts are so insightful. I think you all have very good and accurate posts.

However, in my case, nothing would have worked. I was married to the youngest of the 3 "A" brothers. At last count they have 5 ex wives. Since last summer the middle has taken a 3rd wife (she speak's little english).

Just before I finally got out, I heard mine say there was a voice looping in his head which said "If I do anything she wants I am P____whipped."
Sadly, after I got away, and he continued to be a problem, he told the Judge, "I only do it when she doesn't do what I want her to."

FACE IT SOME FATHERS ARE LIKE THIS. I HAD A PROBLEM AT FIRST, HOWEVER I KNOW MY HUSBAND ALSO WORKS HARD AT HIS JOB WHEN I GET TO STAY HOME. BUT IF YOU BOTH WORK, HE SHOULD HELP. MY HUSBAND WILL DO THERAPY WHEN A ASK, BUT NOT THE WAY I WANT IT DONE. HE WILL MOVE HIS ARM A COUPLE OF TIMES OR PLAY WITH HIM AND CALL IT "THERAPY". MY HUSBAND HOWEVER SOMETIMES DOES NOT WANT TO FACE THAT zAK HAS A DISABILITY AND GETS ANGRY WHEN HE HEARS ME TALK ABOUT IT. BUT I KNOW HIM BEING A BOY IT IS HARD ON HIM. MY SON ISA HAPPY 2 YEAR OLD. HE'D RATHER PLAY WHEN DAD GETS OFF WORK ANYWAYS AND I DO WANT THERAPY DONE RIGHT AND I USED TO THINK IT TOOK ALOT OUT OF ME, BUT NOW IT HAS BECOME A PART OF ME AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. FACE IT, WOMEN ARE JUST BETTER AT SOME THINGS THEN MEN BUT WE DONT HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW THAT RIGHT? ANN

I totally forgot to give credit where credit is due - and I really should.

My husband was wonderful about taking Danny for his two CT scans (and physically restraining him, lugging him home when he was in a drug-induced stupor, etc.) at a time when I just couldn't face another thing. He also stayed overnight in the hospital with Danny after his second surgery and endured about four nocturnal showings of "The Little Mermaid" - without complaint.

He's also been great about caring for our other children when I've needed to do something for or with Danny.

There are probably many more instances where he's picked up the slack and I've just forgotten. Wow. I am glad this topic is here so I can remember these things and thank him again!

Janet

Kath and Katep-thank you for sharing how much the dads do help-telling the child she's perfect, encouraging participation in normal stuff, that, as much as any therapy and surgery is what is going to help our kids fit in to the world and not limit themselves or become obsessed with the arm/recovery.
Sometimes we need to take a step back and see that the behaviour that in my man I regard as being in denial there is anything wrong, is actually a really healthy and balanced way to look at things.
Thank you

Janet,

You reminded me of some of the most important things my husband has been there for, too. This is a great thread!

My husband took Joshua in for his first MRI at 3-months (I didn't want to see them "put him to sleep" way too many images of putting old or sick animals to sleep in my head for that!). He also stayed overnight with Joshua in the hospital after his surgery, because he was the stronger one and I desperately needed to sleep.

Bless their hearts... sometimes we moms really need their "stoic" strength! My husband has been my rock in all of this.

Kate

Kate,

You're right. I just couldn't stand watching Danny knocked unconscious, either!

Maybe the "chain of need" is such that our husbands mainly help us as we help our children! No matter how it pans out, everyone is there for each other.

It's nice to have the chance to reflect on these things so we do remember how much our husbands really have done!

Janet

Well, I can't really add anything that hasn't been said already, but my husband has always taken the back seat to Sarah's injury. Not necessarily because he doesn't want to help, but his job is such that it is difficult for him to take time off for therapy appointments, etc. He is very good about doing her ROMs, e-stim, and those sorts of things, but when it comes to the actual appointments, count him out.

I certainly have my bad days (or weeks like last week!), but I think I'm the more optimistic one. Jason is a worryer. I tend to take a different approach - sure, I still worry, but I'm more of a "let's get it done" type of person. So, while he's sitting around worrying about what's going to happen with her arm, I'm the one who actually gets the therapy toys out, or brings her to OT/PT, or gets her in the water for aquatherapy, etc. I don't think it's because Jason doesn't WANT to do it, I think it's just because he doesn't know what approach to take. Maybe that's a fault of mine, because I would rather do it myself than have to answer 100 questions about how to do something!

He does, however, treat Sarah like the princess that she is, and tells her she can when she says she can't. I think that may be one of the most valuable lessons she will ever learn.

Enough rambling from me...

Cherie

Dear Ladies,

Hope I'm not the single men in this forum!
By their nature, women and men have different feelings about the same. We try to do our best, but "our" best might have a very different meaning from yours. I'm sure you know what I mean!
Each family has its own culture and habits. The most important is to show full respect to your partner, a marriage is a consensual agreement, no one is charged by default with more or less, easier or heavier duties.
If someone feels the partner is not coming up to the expectations, then the involvement in managing BPI is not the single problem. Managing a problem, including BPI, is the both parents responsibility and there should not be sentence like "I did 80% and (s)he did the rest". It is about a new problem to be managed and shared.

Our son, 10y, has ROBPI. Till his 1st grade (at 7y) we had PT each working day with some breaks during vacations. Yes, 7 full years. Do you think any of us was considering to count how many times was with the kid at the PT? Since last 2 years we started to look for other solutions and now have decided for a surgery. I would never say how much I did in this regard of solving all issues raised by the surgery. But I would say when was about the surgery it was obvious I should talk with doctors because they speak English and this is not our native language and I'm the one in our family that could do it better; also would say it was obvious I should travel thousands of miles across the ocean for the surgery because I'm the one in our family used to travel abroad.
These kind of "obvious" things are specific for each family. Is about having in the family the same common sense of what is obvious. The sense should be common; the roles might be very different.

Ladies, please accept my apologies if because of a non-English native language I did not choose the most appropriate words.

Marcel