United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

This is a really hard subject to generalise about, there are so many different ways of coping with these injuries both for the injured person and those who are closest to him or her. All the previous posters have put forward excellent points and given food for thought, particularly Karl who has summed up exactly how a lot of the men with a TBPI feel about self-image and ego. In our group we have found that, surprisingly, most of the women who have a TBPI have less of a problem with this, or they seem to get over it quicker. I have an idea why; it's because women find it a lot easier to talk about these things than men do.

I do believe that women are naturally nurturing and caring by nature (my womens lib friends will be grinding their teeth right now!) but sometimes, although for the best possible reasons, they can be overly caring and protective. By being so, they can actually inadvertantly make someone feel worse, or even prevent the injured person from moving on. The injured person will need to have space to come to terms with everything that comes with the injury; I'm not saying abandon them entirely, but just allow for the grieving, the anger and the unpredictable behaviour. These are all normal and predictable emotions. Going through these emotions is the way an injured person comes to terms with these life changing injuries, and the trauma that caused them.

Don't forget though, that as a partner of someone who has survived a traumatic injury, you have needs too. Talking to a therapist who is experienced with helping trauma victims could help a lot, and maybe give you a better insight into what he is going through.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of being a martyr, or a doormat, and it is a difficult balance to create between being helpful and supportive, and waiting on him hand and foot in the mistaken belief that you are doing the right thing. For example, if he is just lazing around, don't pick up after him..he is capable of doing it himself..things like that. (Don't nag though! ;0) )

Take each day as it comes; come on here and talk to us. It's early days yet. We have all been where your man is now, and in time, with a bit of support, you will both come thru it all as stronger and wiser people.

Liz

PS Just one very strong suggestion...NEVER ask someone with a TBPI how the pain is...!! ;0)

Speaking as a bloke, what I'm about to say may surprise some of you ladies who are trying to support your injured men. Obviously I can't speak for all men, but I'll say it as I see it.

When I had my BPI, all I wanted to do was to get on with my life. To be left alone. My wife was really supportive, and empathetic, but I didn't respond to that. I felt most comfortable down the pub with the lads, having a drink, and talking bikes. I didn't want people asking how I was all the time. All the caring stuff, I thought of ass an annoyance. I almost wished that she would go away and come back when I was back to normal again. I loved her to bits, and knew that everything she was doing was for me. Totally selflessly, and totally committed to my recovery, but at the same time totally annoying.

I became pretty unbearable to live with, and became really independent. I wanted to make sure that there was nothing in which I would need help from someone else. In the end, after 5 years of sticking by me, she was at the end of her tether. Our marriage was disintegrating, and I knew that I was the cause. I went to see a psychiatrist, and I knew that it would cost me a lot of money, but if it worked it would be worth it.

He diagnosed it as PTSD and depression. I’d always thought that only “weak” people got PTSD. I’d always thought that strong willed, independent people like myself didn’t get it, and it was just for wimps. I was wrong. He made me confront all my problems, and work out where things were going wrong. He told me that I needed to ask for help occasionally to make my wife feel needed. It took 6 sessions, plus a short course of anti-depressants, and that was it. I felt a lot better, and our marriage has gone from strength to strength.

The point is, that although loved ones try to help, it is professional help that finally does it. All I was doing was pushing away the one who was most dear to me, and now it seems so obvious, but it didn’t then.

Hi, after reading your posts and the replies I agree with Jacko, sometimes getting professional help with the trauma side of TBPI is necessary. I too was diagnosed PTSD with depression and anxiety, and had a lot of trouble getting the right help for that but eventually did. It took counselling sessions and antidepressants which i still take, and time but things are much better now. When I first found UBPN and saw how some people with worse injuries than mine were coping so well for years, i thought what's wrong with me? But a good psychiatrist (my fave doc of all i've seen since the BPI) helped me see it was just a normal reaction to a massive life changing event. Socially i had become a hermit and the emotional rollercoaster has smoothed out but not gone. Also training for a new career has helped me actually see a useful future, sitting around feeling angry or sorry for myself (not all the time but sometimes extremely strong waves of emotion took hold) wasn't helping anything but it's a slow process of recovery. If you could persuade your man to see a counsellor/therapist to help with his depression it would help you both out enormously. All the best :O)
Dave