Just some thoughts
Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2003 10:55 pm
I wrote this earlier today:
I'm just sitting here, smelling the homemade spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove, thinking about the past three years. Today is Ben's third birthday. Here is a child the doctors didn't expect to live thru his first night. They didn't tell me, but I think on some unconcious level, I knew, and I spent that first night in the nursery, holding him, feeding him, playing with him, and giving him my love and my strength. Here was a child with a limp right arm, the head a size of a cannonball, that was so bruised, the whole thing looked purple, and lungs that just didn't want to work, because of the fluid. The next morning, he was aware, awake, and making his wants known, to the whole hospital! I brought him home, still not sure of what was wrong with his arm, and thru the help of our doctor, the public nurses, and the Early Intervention people, I learned the words Brachial Plexus Injury. I just remember going to our library to use the internet to learn as much as I could about this. I found some great sites, and some wonderful friends to help me thru this. I watched him grow as I contacted doctors around the country as to what may be available to help my son. I watched him struggle with toys that his brother didn't even think twice about being able to play with, as I planned his surgery. I watched them take my 6 month old child back for a surgery, numbly, because it's the only way I can get thru it. I brought him home, one arm bound to him and watched him smile at people who looked at him pitingly. I jumped for joy when he moved his fingers for the first time and he looked at me as tho I had lost my mind. I wondered as his first birthday came when he would walk, as he gleefully tore everything out of my purse and tried to eat my lipstick. I watched him take his first steps tempered with the pain of knowing his second surgery was planned. I watched again as they took my now 18 month old back to the operating room again. I laughed as he ran from the nurses who wanted to take his tempature the next day. I watched as he became his own little person, bullying his brother, tourturing the dog, bravely going to the doctor for his immunizations, and facing the dentist for the first time. I got angry with him when he wrote on my brand new coffee table with a pen, and put deep scratches in it. I fought with him to go to sleep at night, to understand his therapists just want to play with him (fortunately that didn't take long, now he gets mad when he doesn't go to them). I cried with relief when the doctors said no surgery last year, and cussed with anger when 6 months later he needs it now. I watch my child, now three years old, jumping on his brother's bed, pulling a pillowcase over his head (don't ask me why) and think, I've done everything I can to make sure he's gotten the best I can give him, but ultimately, I've just had to watch as he's made his way in the world, to learn to deal with this injury in his own way. I will fight to the end to give the best to my kids, but I will always, always watch over them.
I'm just sitting here, smelling the homemade spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove, thinking about the past three years. Today is Ben's third birthday. Here is a child the doctors didn't expect to live thru his first night. They didn't tell me, but I think on some unconcious level, I knew, and I spent that first night in the nursery, holding him, feeding him, playing with him, and giving him my love and my strength. Here was a child with a limp right arm, the head a size of a cannonball, that was so bruised, the whole thing looked purple, and lungs that just didn't want to work, because of the fluid. The next morning, he was aware, awake, and making his wants known, to the whole hospital! I brought him home, still not sure of what was wrong with his arm, and thru the help of our doctor, the public nurses, and the Early Intervention people, I learned the words Brachial Plexus Injury. I just remember going to our library to use the internet to learn as much as I could about this. I found some great sites, and some wonderful friends to help me thru this. I watched him grow as I contacted doctors around the country as to what may be available to help my son. I watched him struggle with toys that his brother didn't even think twice about being able to play with, as I planned his surgery. I watched them take my 6 month old child back for a surgery, numbly, because it's the only way I can get thru it. I brought him home, one arm bound to him and watched him smile at people who looked at him pitingly. I jumped for joy when he moved his fingers for the first time and he looked at me as tho I had lost my mind. I wondered as his first birthday came when he would walk, as he gleefully tore everything out of my purse and tried to eat my lipstick. I watched him take his first steps tempered with the pain of knowing his second surgery was planned. I watched again as they took my now 18 month old back to the operating room again. I laughed as he ran from the nurses who wanted to take his tempature the next day. I watched as he became his own little person, bullying his brother, tourturing the dog, bravely going to the doctor for his immunizations, and facing the dentist for the first time. I got angry with him when he wrote on my brand new coffee table with a pen, and put deep scratches in it. I fought with him to go to sleep at night, to understand his therapists just want to play with him (fortunately that didn't take long, now he gets mad when he doesn't go to them). I cried with relief when the doctors said no surgery last year, and cussed with anger when 6 months later he needs it now. I watch my child, now three years old, jumping on his brother's bed, pulling a pillowcase over his head (don't ask me why) and think, I've done everything I can to make sure he's gotten the best I can give him, but ultimately, I've just had to watch as he's made his way in the world, to learn to deal with this injury in his own way. I will fight to the end to give the best to my kids, but I will always, always watch over them.
