United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

I just had my second child two weeks ago and I feel as though I have been robbed of the joy of their birth again!

My first child was born 1 week late, induced with a ROBPI at 8 pounds 14 ounces. I have gone through so much with her that when I found out I was pregnant again I was terribly depressed. She is now just 19 months old. She has been developmentally delayed until her surgery in February. For the last 19 months I have been totally focused on her recovery, which has been great since the surgery, she finally took her first steps a few weeks ago. I feel like I missed out on most of her baby time because we spend so much time trying to help her get better.

Now my second child was born unexpectedly from placenta abruption 10 weeks early. weighing in at 3 pounds 15 ounces, I missed holding him until he was almost two weeks old and only get about an hour with him a day. My husband missed that daddy moment AGAIN when he couldn't cut the cord. I don't get to bring him home until probably January. This was suppose to be my easy delivery, one that was planned with a c-section and watched carefully. I don't understand why these things keep happening to me and my family. I love my kids so much, but I really don't know how much more I can really handle.

I am sorry to complain, I just think I need to get it all out, I don't know what else to do anymore. I don't want my kids to suffer because my feelings are hurt.

Is there anyone else out there that feels like me. How did you cope each day?

Thanks for listening.
Kim

Kim:
I can fully understand your disappointment in your births. And what you have experienced are two very traumatic births. Cheryl Beck, a nurse from University of Connecticut is actually researching (and has past research) on this very topic. People forget about what the mom feels.

You CAN handle it. It will be hard, but you can do it. I think though, you need some help through it. Please do not be afraid to ask for help from a psychologist or therapist of some kind. It took me years to come to grips with the idea that I needed to talk to a professional (someone who didn't have a vested interest in what I had to say-or would be hurt by my words). It helped so much. I wish I had done it earlier. The push came for me after hearing Cheryl speak at Camp2005.

Take care of yourself. Eat healthfully. Get sleep.

email if you want,
claudia

Claudia,
Do you know how I can access Cheryl Beck's Research Project on Moms at the University of Connecticut?

HUGS, 's
Carolyn J
Adult LOBPI,68 & Proud of it!..[that I made it this far!]

I emailed you.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

-- Mother Teresa

I think, no matter how the second birth had gone, you would still have some grief come up as you still have some (understandable!!) sadness and trauma from the first birth. Imagine if the second had gone perfect - no problems, wonderful baby, happy first few months. It would still probably bring up some sadness over all that you had missed with the first birth. It has not been very long, and the first time around was traumatic. It is natural to still be dealing with the effects of that trauma and grief from what happened. I'm only saying this so that you don't add to the sadness with "what if" it had been different. No matter how the second birth had gone, you would still have the sadness of the first birth to contend with.

Take care of yourself - this is a rough time for a woman no matter who things went with the birth!! Someday you may look back on both births with pride in how they each overcame their difficult beginnings. It may just take a long time. For now, you need to care for yourself. You have suffered yet another loss - no, nobody died but dreams you have had were lost and they need to be grieved. Forgive yourself for being sad about what you lost. There is nothing wrong with being sad over losing a dream! When my son was born, I felt so guilty because I was so damned SAD. I felt almost as if he had died.. until I realized that I was mourning the dreamchild I thought I was going to have. No, our son didn't die in the birth, but the dream child I thought I was having and had attached to had been lost, and it was a very big loss. Accepting my feelings of loss was the first step in accepting what *had* happened and rejoicing in the real child who was born - injured arm and all.

As for coping... my mom died while I was in graduate school, but life had to go on. In trying to stuff all my emotions I nearly broke down under the stress. I learned that I needed to make time to grieve. That's what I had to do the first few months with our son -- I actually set aside time every day to cry. Just to cry.

Your grief and sadness are real, and you must make time for them. Set aside time in your day to grieve, and when you do, do it with all your heart. Let it out, accept your feelings of loss, don't attempt to diminish or supress them because there is "no need to complain" or you feel "guilty" about being sad. Then when the time is done and you are all cried out for that session, you can turn your attention to the other things that need to be taken care of. Just knowing there is time set aside tomorrow, and the next day and the next allows you to have times you can "take a break" from feeling sad. If you fight the sadness, it will just fight back and consume your every moment. Eventually the feelings of loss and grief won't demand so much from you, and you will have more room for joy and happiness. But only if you give your grief the room it deserves.

Good luck and hang in there. It *will* get better but it will take time.

Kate

Kim--Ashley's Mom,

How are you doing?
I emailed you on Dec. 11th too.
Please let us know how things are with you.

You are in my Prayers,
Carolyn J
Adult LOBPI.68

Thank you to everyone that e-mailed me. I appreciate the responses and concern and I am sorry it took me so long to get back here to write. I am doing ok. My baby should get out of the hospital tomorrow (with monitors and medication) I am trying my best to make the transition easy for my daughter since we weren't prepared for the baby this early.

I am grateful for this board and the caring people that reach out to you to try to help each other. Thank you again for helping me through this.

Happy holidays to all of you,
Kim

What a wonderful holiday present. I am sure your daughter will do just fine. Still find time to care for yourself...you are important and no one else will take care of mommy!!! GAYLE

Kim
I am so happy your son will be home soon.

I am the grandmother of a 27 and 29 week girls.
You have been so blessed that your son will be home.
The feeling will pass and as the years go by, you will forget that you did not have that first experience you longed for...
You will just be happy with all the wonderful memories these two precious children give you.
Congratulations and remember to take some time to rest and take care of your self. Preemies are a lot of work for such tiny tots!
Kath (robpi/adult)